This Place

This place is stifling.
The stench of death hangs opaque in the air, barely covered up by the aroma of the women's casseroles and the men's rubber boots.

This place is where women's dreams come to die.
Where they are left with burdens they can't help but love.
Where their aspirations turn to apparition with the soreness of their swollen breasts and the knitting of little blue blankets.
All the while men sit around filling their bellies and pondering how great life could be if only the rain would let up.

This place comes with a guilt you'll never shake.
Because once your cheeks have been kissed by the mouths, each one covered with lipstick or tobacco, you're guilty.
You're guilty because they can't understand why you'd ever want to leave.

You're guilty because when you look into each face - with the same cloudy eyes - you can't understand why they'd ever want to stay.

Can't I?

I can be that.
I can be smart and I can be kind.
I can be beautiful and real and honest and whole.
I can be dangerous and strange and volatile.
I can be witty and I can be loud.
I can be generous and concerned.
I can be that.
I can be present.
I can be strong.
I can be whimsical and courageous.

I can be lonely.

I can be what you need.
I can't be what you want.

I can't be that.
I can't be vain and artificial.
I can't be holy and I can't be absolute.
I can't be that.
I can't be airy and complacent.
I can't be secure and selfish.
I can't be apathetic and stagnant.
I can't be pretty and I can't be polished.

I can't be lonely.

I can't be what you want.

I can be what you need. 

Stay fabulous

Journal

Taken from my black, leather journal - the one with a handwritten note from one of my favorite people, Jake Walden. Written on June 15th, 2012 1:05 A.M.

This was written late at night and some of it is nonsensical rambling, but I'm going to try not to edit myself - Jake told me not too.

"I'm fascinated by the paths we take and the marks we make throughout our lives. The ones we follow, altering slightly to fit into ourselves, and the ones we create, scouting uncharted territory for others to follow one day.

You throw a penny into a fountain one day and, just think, that tiny piece of yourself will always be there even when you're so far away and have forgotten.

I carved my name in a tree in Central Park - THE Central Park - this year. And, just think, someone right now could be carving next to it, someone I will probably never meet but whose path will have grazed mine, if only for a second, as they read my message, 'Kay '12', all that I was able to write with the tiny fingernail clipper I dug out of the bottom of my purse.

And all this makes me sad because then you have the paths that collide, the people you meet, the people who make you laugh but all too often those paths and those people only stay for a short time until they're crossing and continuing on, no longer on the same trail as you. And that's sad because they've left a mark, some darker and more present than others, but all too soon we'll forget and let them fade.

Imagine a world where we left a trail everywhere we went, a brilliant color all our own that would mix and run with other colors as paths crossed. Just imagine all the places life has taken you and, just, what if you could leave a mark everywhere, remembering everything you've seen, everything you've touched. Everyone you met.

Whether you're in a pub you can't remember the name of in the middle -the heart - of NYC eating the best pasta you've ever had or stopping in a random Walgreens in Columbus, Ohio to pick up Jolly Ranchers, or retouching your makeup in the bathroom of a random convention center in a random city, it's like, what if you could see, really see, who's been there before and who comes after. Wouldn't it be amazing to see a world like that? So colorful, so connected.

I think if it was tangible like that maybe we'd realize just how alike we really are. That we share this life as one, that my life is so neatly tied to and connected to everyone around me at any given second.

It's just, life is a bunch of what ifs, chance encounters, close calls, and coincidences, but no one fully takes the time to appreciate that. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore."


Stay fabulous.

Positive

I dressed up to go to work today. This is something I rarely do but I was feeling good and wanted to look the part. And I don't even mind how slow today is, it's given me time to think.

I'm a strong believer in karma and the Universe rewarding and punishing us for our actions so I'm hoping for good karma soon.

It's almost like everything is piecing itself together at the most inopportune time. Things are finally good - I have the best group of friends there is, a job that I complain about but is actually the best job a lazy teenager could ask for, I'm busy at school but its worth it and I'm proud of the work I'm doing, I've never felt so in-tune with my creativity; it's all I can think about - but in just a few months all this is going to be gone. In a few months I'm graduating high school and everything is going to change. And I'm scared.

I'm not sure what my future is going to hold. I want nothing more than to go to NYC and just do it. To dive right into the life I know I was destined to have in the city I know I was destined to be a part of. But that's scary. I'd be going alone, without a single safety net. Maybe I should just stay home for a few years and go to the local university. But Kayla what if you get stuck here? That's my biggest fear. And back and forth and back and forth.

Everyone keeps telling me to stop worrying - everything will work itself out. But as strong a believer I am in the Universe, I know you have to help yourself before it helps you. And here's where I get lost. I just don't know what to do. About anything. And I wonder if everyone is like me.

In the mean time, I'm trying to hold onto all the positive vibes that I can.

Stay Fabulous.

Bob Dylan, Homecoming not-so-Queen, & Rocky Horror

I've been up to some rather fun things lately.

My bestfriend Josh & I went to see Bob Dylan several? a few? weeks ago (I can't keep track of time these days - not room in my brain!) and it was incredible. I decided it was something I had to do before I - or Bob, cause really which is more likely? - died. He didn't sound that great, but it's Bob freaking Dylan, yanno? I witnessed a man pee in public, a man with one leg hop up and down, and a 70-something year old man ride around on a scooter (the kid kind not the old people kind, duh). What you're supposed to be gathering from this is that good music reaches all types of people.

Moving on....

I was on my school's Homecoming court and although I didn't win Queen or Princess, my two bestfriends on the court did, so I'm happy for them (wait, who said bitter?). Here's a picture of me & my wonderful escort Logan:

Last but not least, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Meet Magenta, Columbia, Frank-n-Furter, and Janet. 

STAY FABULOUS!

UPDATE- I AM NOT DEAD

Okay lovelies, I know what you're thinking...I haven't blogged in AGES. Please understand this is a very, VERY busy time for me and I have a lot on my plate.

For instance, as Editor-in-Chief of my school's newspaper, I've been dealing with a staff composed of less-than-stellar writers (not you, Josh) - who I will admit have a lot of heart - and an entirely new design program that's job seems to be making my life a living hell. On top of that, Debate season is starting and we are NO where near ready for that. And the resolution absolutely blows. If I hear/see the words moral obligation one more time I may finally snap.

Don't even get me started on college. It's too scary and I'm going to ignore it for as long as possible.

Enough complaining...

I'm going to try to get back on the blog wagon because I really need to accomplish something these days, so be looking for some posts pretty soon!

As always,
Stay fabulous.

P.S. Aforementioned Josh has started a blog of his own. Check it out here.

Slimmons

BEST. DAY. EVER.