Journal

Taken from my black, leather journal - the one with a handwritten note from one of my favorite people, Jake Walden. Written on June 15th, 2012 1:05 A.M.

This was written late at night and some of it is nonsensical rambling, but I'm going to try not to edit myself - Jake told me not too.

"I'm fascinated by the paths we take and the marks we make throughout our lives. The ones we follow, altering slightly to fit into ourselves, and the ones we create, scouting uncharted territory for others to follow one day.

You throw a penny into a fountain one day and, just think, that tiny piece of yourself will always be there even when you're so far away and have forgotten.

I carved my name in a tree in Central Park - THE Central Park - this year. And, just think, someone right now could be carving next to it, someone I will probably never meet but whose path will have grazed mine, if only for a second, as they read my message, 'Kay '12', all that I was able to write with the tiny fingernail clipper I dug out of the bottom of my purse.

And all this makes me sad because then you have the paths that collide, the people you meet, the people who make you laugh but all too often those paths and those people only stay for a short time until they're crossing and continuing on, no longer on the same trail as you. And that's sad because they've left a mark, some darker and more present than others, but all too soon we'll forget and let them fade.

Imagine a world where we left a trail everywhere we went, a brilliant color all our own that would mix and run with other colors as paths crossed. Just imagine all the places life has taken you and, just, what if you could leave a mark everywhere, remembering everything you've seen, everything you've touched. Everyone you met.

Whether you're in a pub you can't remember the name of in the middle -the heart - of NYC eating the best pasta you've ever had or stopping in a random Walgreens in Columbus, Ohio to pick up Jolly Ranchers, or retouching your makeup in the bathroom of a random convention center in a random city, it's like, what if you could see, really see, who's been there before and who comes after. Wouldn't it be amazing to see a world like that? So colorful, so connected.

I think if it was tangible like that maybe we'd realize just how alike we really are. That we share this life as one, that my life is so neatly tied to and connected to everyone around me at any given second.

It's just, life is a bunch of what ifs, chance encounters, close calls, and coincidences, but no one fully takes the time to appreciate that. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore."


Stay fabulous.

Positive

I dressed up to go to work today. This is something I rarely do but I was feeling good and wanted to look the part. And I don't even mind how slow today is, it's given me time to think.

I'm a strong believer in karma and the Universe rewarding and punishing us for our actions so I'm hoping for good karma soon.

It's almost like everything is piecing itself together at the most inopportune time. Things are finally good - I have the best group of friends there is, a job that I complain about but is actually the best job a lazy teenager could ask for, I'm busy at school but its worth it and I'm proud of the work I'm doing, I've never felt so in-tune with my creativity; it's all I can think about - but in just a few months all this is going to be gone. In a few months I'm graduating high school and everything is going to change. And I'm scared.

I'm not sure what my future is going to hold. I want nothing more than to go to NYC and just do it. To dive right into the life I know I was destined to have in the city I know I was destined to be a part of. But that's scary. I'd be going alone, without a single safety net. Maybe I should just stay home for a few years and go to the local university. But Kayla what if you get stuck here? That's my biggest fear. And back and forth and back and forth.

Everyone keeps telling me to stop worrying - everything will work itself out. But as strong a believer I am in the Universe, I know you have to help yourself before it helps you. And here's where I get lost. I just don't know what to do. About anything. And I wonder if everyone is like me.

In the mean time, I'm trying to hold onto all the positive vibes that I can.

Stay Fabulous.